jumping jacks and an open mind

I think I realized what I'm looking for in life. Not my life goals or a career, I wish I knew those too, but maybe its what everyone is looking for. I want to "feel infinite." I wish I had a better description for it. There are very few moments in my life where I feel like this. I look back on some moments in my life and want to believe that they are but when I was in those moments I don't think I truly felt it. I'm constantly chasing them I think.

Once at a Green Day concert Billy Joe said something that I'm sure he tells everyone at every concert they play. He told some story about how they were so happy to be on such a massive tour and that back when they were just starting out they played tons of shitty clubs and bars and made no money and lived out of their van but the three of them did it because they were doing what they loved and they wouldn't trade those times for anything else. Then he went on to say that he wanted us to live for tonight, do what we love and enjoy the fuck out of the next 3 hours. I actually felt an emotional bond to that moment and when Billy Joe played Good Riddance to close the concert, my heart churned. I was "lost in the music." I can't explain it any better. But since then I goto concerts, mosh, and try to let loose and lose myself in the moment. And while I enjoy the bands and the music I have yet to achieve the same infinite feeling of enjoyment.

I suppose that goes with anything, the first time is always the best. And even if it isn't, your mind makes you believe it was and you try to attain it again. Like a drug addict. Always trying to get that next high. Life is stupid.

Also, since getting my brace off I've begun walking rather normally. The physical therapist said I haven't fully extended my knee, so I worked on it and although he said it was fine the next time I still feel like it doesn't extend as far as it once did. I feel out of shape so I've been overdoing the cardio a bit probably. At least I haven't developed an eating disorder.

You Can't Chase the Night.

"Nothing good can happen at this point," Wes explains simply. "You can't chase the night. When the night is over, the night is over. That's just the way it is. You just gotta wake up tomorrow and hope for a better day."

Watching you walk makes me bored...

I'm almost to my fourth week post op. Next week sometime I'm scheduled to have my brace removed and I will be able to walk freely once more. Although to be honest, I already started taking it off and occasionally walking without it in the house. Just short distances, but walking without it nonetheless. My leg has shrunk significantly due to atrophy. I have hardly any musculature in my left leg. Its kind of disappointing.

i met your grandma, and she's faster than you on a stool...

Recovery has been dragging along. I'm slowly improving. I made it to 120 degrees bending on Friday so that was nice. I've also been given clearance to drive. Well really the doctor just taught me how to unlock my brace so i can bend my knee while still wearing it. I feel like maybe I'm abusing that power too much and maybe its just in my mind but I fear that I'm stretching out my tendon before its ready. Yikes. I hope not.

i'm injured, thats an excuse to sleep right?

I'm tired of this stupid brace. Its just not comfortable. I don't mind the handicappedness of my status, but this brace is seriously a giant hindrance. I don't like having to walk like Frankenstein, I don't like sleeping on my back, and I don't like that it gives me bruises because I have to wear it tight so it won't slip. Plus my skin seems yellower where the brace makes contact with my skin and I shower so its something underneath. Yuck.

However, I do enjoy having the staples in my knee. If I'm going to wear my brace, I want it to look tough. I constantly look at other people when I'm walking in public and I see my look at my waddle and then they glance at my knee and its like a wave of sympathy washes over them as they think to themselves, "oh thats a real injury!" The staples give my limp and brace credibility. Too bad they're coming out on Thursday.

90 degrees or bust

Today was my first day of physical therapy at the clinic. Before my surgery I was told that the recovery process was tantamount. I had to push myself and fight through the pain in order to achieve my goal of full recovery. "Don't be a baby," like my physical therapist says. I went in today walking without my crutches, as I was expected to and I was given a "nice job" which I appreciated. There was some other guy there today who had his surgery on the same day and he came in on crutches and he struggled on the exercises that I had to do at therapy today so I felt pretty good about myself. I realize that everyone heals at a different rate, and that guy was probably older than me, and certainly he was a fatty, but whatever, I derive pleasure from me being better than that guy with tree trunk legs. I couldn't even tell where his knee was swollen because his leg was one size all the way through. Was that mean? Whatever, I have six staples in my knee.

angelina jolie's house has a zoo outside?

Not being able to sleep on my side or turn over in bed is high on the list of things that suck about having to wear this straight legged brace. Its not comfortable to sleep. I wake up every 2 hours or so. But it does allow me to remember my really weird dreams. Last night I broke into Angelina Jolie's house with Steve Nash and Turtle from Entourage. We had to go see a condor or some other bird that lived on the top portion of her house like the owlery in Harry Potter. It was really weird. I'm sure all my dreams are equally fascinating, but luckily I was able to wake up just as it ended because of my throbbing knee pain and commit it to memory unlike most of dreams which fall to the wayside.

i usually don't let my patients sit on the floor.

So my home health physical therapist came today to teach me some exercises. I guess this is where the surgery recovery gets really difficult. I've got several exercises to work on several times a day to increase flexibility and strength in my leg. I guess I'll stay busy doing that. I'm more comfortable unwrapping my brace and ACE bandages now and looking at my really gross, misshapen knee. Its got cool staples and thankfully it doesn't bleed much anymore.

I've begun to walk without crutches now. Its sort of a hobble, waddling walk, but I can move around. I was expecting not being able to walk for a while but it doesn't hurt much, if at all. Although I can feel the blood rushing to my knee, which feels pretty good, but probably isn't good because of the swelling.

i think its still bleeding

The home-care nurse came by today to take out my drain tube, that was a unique feeling. The nurse I guess wasn't scheduled to come at all or was incorrectly scheduled and I had to call the surgeon's office to make sure they were still going to come. Then Leticia came by in her red SUV around 4:30pm to brighten my day. I had all my dressings removed once and had my drain tube removed, which was gross, but now that I've been re-dressed and re-ACE bandaged up, I can't seem to get my leg comfortable. Its either too tight, or too loose, and all I feel is bleeding and shifting of my staples, which I didn't know I had. I'm thinking too much about it.

I've found that the Percocet makes me nauseous and I stopped taking it, the pain isn't that bad. Maybe we'll see tomorrow when the physical therapist will be paying me a visit.

its just water and saltines

So I vomited a little bit today on my way to the car. But I was able to hold it in until the orderly brought me a bag. Although I still got some of it on my shirt and pants. But its cool, I hadn't eaten anything except saltines. Why they gave me saltines I don't know. It was like that challenge where you try to eat as many as you can in 5 minutes.

Surgery took 1 hour and 30 minutes, so I'm told. I can only remember transferring beds from the pre-op bed to the surgery table. Then when I woke up I was told to eat some saltines and I was rushed to out the door to the car. But the nurse did help me put my clothes on, so I did get felt up a bit I guess. Beggars can't be choosers?

Anyway, the leg doesn't hurt much but I'm super nauseated right now, except when I'm lying down. All I did was watch tv, but mostly slept. I remember seeing parts of the Lakers game, like 3 different episodes of Man Vs. Food. And some of the news. But its time to sleep because I feel vomit-y again.

can't outrun a bear... or my friend.

It is January 1st, 2010 and I'm six days away from an ACL reconstruction in my left knee. Someone asked me if I'm nervous about it, looming in the future, but I don't know how to feel about it. I guess that's how I feel about a lot of things now, nothing. I know the general range of emotions should range from anticipation to nervousness, but I don't feel anything. I do want to be at full strength as I'm always aware of my knee's instability. Watching people exercise at the gym, watching them jog by my car in the mornings on my way to work, I realize how much I value being able to use my legs.

My physical therapist Dave and my doctors have all told me about the importance of maintaining a strict exercise and stretching regiment after the surgery. I have to stretch and work the leg three times a day in addition to two physical training sessions a week. I don't know if I've ever attempted to dedicate myself to something so intense. The thought had crossed my mind that this could be the most difficult thing I've ever attempted. (A thought, in and of itself is pretty telling about my life.)

So this is the new year, and I don't feel any different. Maybe in 6 days. I do have a prescription for 75 pills of Percocet and 75 pills of Vicodin to go through.