jumping jacks and an open mind

I think I realized what I'm looking for in life. Not my life goals or a career, I wish I knew those too, but maybe its what everyone is looking for. I want to "feel infinite." I wish I had a better description for it. There are very few moments in my life where I feel like this. I look back on some moments in my life and want to believe that they are but when I was in those moments I don't think I truly felt it. I'm constantly chasing them I think.

Once at a Green Day concert Billy Joe said something that I'm sure he tells everyone at every concert they play. He told some story about how they were so happy to be on such a massive tour and that back when they were just starting out they played tons of shitty clubs and bars and made no money and lived out of their van but the three of them did it because they were doing what they loved and they wouldn't trade those times for anything else. Then he went on to say that he wanted us to live for tonight, do what we love and enjoy the fuck out of the next 3 hours. I actually felt an emotional bond to that moment and when Billy Joe played Good Riddance to close the concert, my heart churned. I was "lost in the music." I can't explain it any better. But since then I goto concerts, mosh, and try to let loose and lose myself in the moment. And while I enjoy the bands and the music I have yet to achieve the same infinite feeling of enjoyment.

I suppose that goes with anything, the first time is always the best. And even if it isn't, your mind makes you believe it was and you try to attain it again. Like a drug addict. Always trying to get that next high. Life is stupid.

Also, since getting my brace off I've begun walking rather normally. The physical therapist said I haven't fully extended my knee, so I worked on it and although he said it was fine the next time I still feel like it doesn't extend as far as it once did. I feel out of shape so I've been overdoing the cardio a bit probably. At least I haven't developed an eating disorder.

You Can't Chase the Night.

"Nothing good can happen at this point," Wes explains simply. "You can't chase the night. When the night is over, the night is over. That's just the way it is. You just gotta wake up tomorrow and hope for a better day."